155. Happy 1st Bear birthday to me
Today marks my first completed year of writing on Bear. I have started and stopped personal blogs in the past, but I decided that I wanted to stick to one and continue with it throughout. Even though I've gotten quite busy these past few months, I feel like I've stuck it out and have been updating and dropping lore left and right. I set a goal for myself and for this blog that I truly wanted to be dedicated and wanted to make sure that I kept on task and archive my life in little bits and pieces.
When I first created this blog, I challenged myself to write every day for 40 days. I'm not into religion anymore, but one of the most profound stories I heard when I was a kid was the Temptation of Christ in the desert. Honestly, if a person had a spiritual exploration in the desert for 40 days, told everyone about it, and a couple of his friends recorded it for the world to know about this? Insane. Honestly, then I could sit myself down and bang out a couple of paragraphs about what I'm feeling that day, what I'm pondering that day, what happened that day, etc.
In my first post, I talked about how I wasn't sure about this blogging journey and how insecurity is holding me back from calling myself a true writer.
But as of late, I often really feel like I couldn't develop into a flourishing 'writer'. I stopped writing. Held back by my own insecurity, honestly. I was told that I should look at the facts. I got all these things going for me, why on earth do I feel this way? I also fear that I sound really arrogant. I don't like listing accomplishments like that, but I have to. "Be proud of you". It's a self-affirming thing? I dunno man...
But come on, I gotta shake the negative vibes off. I don't want to be insecure- haunted by the 'what if' scenarios, and not roll with the punches. Every single human in the world should be able to voice out what they want to say and not be ashamed/ridiculed/embarrassed by it. I had to take a big look at myself this year and realize that the life that I was currently living wasn't what I wanted. I wasn't doing things that are aligned with what I really wanted to do.
So what now? I guess I'll keep on writing :) Some re-evaluation as well too. Now, I'll establish some ground rules for myself, heh. (- Kayla, one year ago)
I remember having a conversation with misu- puzzling over the word 'amateur' and me thinking that it's such a dirty word. He changed my mind about this quite successfully.
When I wrote out my rules on my first post, it got me thinking about what it means to be a writer, and more specifically, what it means to be an amateur writer, as opposed to a professional. This was what I concluded.
If you write, then you are a writer. Some people need to give themselves permission to do the things they secretly want to do. There’s only one real difference between a writer and a non-writer.
A writer writes. So, first of all, just write.
However, there’s a difference between coming out to yourself as a writer, and declaring it to the rest of the world. You may enjoy amateur acting, but you probably wouldn’t go to a glitzy Hollywood party and tell people you’re an actor. You may be good at cooking, and yet you wouldn’t claim to be a chef. So, how do you describe yourself if you’re not a professional?
I think it’s time we reclaimed the much-maligned word "amateur." According to the Etymology Dictionary, it is a French word, meaning “a lover of”,. Originally, the term "amateur" was used to refer to someone who pursued a particular activity, such as a sport or an art, out of love or passion for it rather than for financial gain. Over time, the word has come to be associated with someone who is not a professional in a particular field or activity.
So, in essence, an "amateur" is someone who engages in a particular pursuit for the appreciation of it rather than as a profession. The word itself reflects this idea of doing something out of passion or love. For years, being an amateur at something was worn as a badge of pride. Until now, amateur sportsmen had a far greater status than professionals. I think it's because they had a choice. They were far more independent and free to indulge their passion for sport without having to answer to any higher up's or anyone in general. They were just doing it for the sake of doing it.
Amateur status is not commentary on the quality of the work, or the effort that goes into it. Some amateurs are at least as talented and hard-working as professionals, if not more so. And in writing, as in sport, every professional starts off by being an amateur.
Amateurs work for love; professionals work for money. I believe that some professionals love their job; however, amateurs are willing to give up their time and to devote their energy freely into doing the thing they love the most. Amateurs work on passion alone, without having to make any concessions to the needs of bosses or the economy. Amateurs have no schedule. They are not bound by rules or financial constraints.
To be an amateur is to enjoy the art, to enjoy the sport, or to enjoy the hobby, in its purest form, without any outside interference.
As an amateur writer, I'm trying to pinpoint the reason why I have this need to record my life in prose. I've realized that it is good to see how much I've grown in the past year. Every year on my birthday, I write myself a private letter and open it on my next birthday. I have been doing that since I was 20 years old, just to see how much I've changed. I have 6 letters in my possession and I don't want to read all of them all at once until my 30th birthday. In my letters, I tend to talk about what I'm feeling that day, what I've accomplished recently, how I feel about work, hobbies, friends, love, and just life in general.
May of 2023 marks the inception of my Bear blog. In the beginning of my writing journey, I have been warmly welcomed into the blogging community. Special thanks to Herman for creating Bear. His site is about blogging and his daily life. I think it is particularly to read about the origins and early days of his blogging platform.
I would also like to thank my good friend Tiramisu. Without Misu, I wouldn't have such a wonderful time writing and sharing stories (mostly gossip hehe) back and forth. His insight and thoughtful words are what kept me going (we're also pretty competitive with each other and that always spurs up me writing up a storm, which I appreciate!) After a little while writing and sharing my thoughts to the world, a lot of people reached out to me, and I, vice versa. I ended up making a lot more friends and connecting with a lot of people in our little international Bear community. I ended up dropping by and hanging out with Mei for a little bit! It's such an interesting thing to meet people that you admire from afar, and ended up spending time with them in person :)
With all of that in mind, I would like to thank all of you for tuning into my life and to the bloggers I've met and who became such good mates- Aco, Eve, Kazaii, Lili, Mei, Pj, Tiramisu, and many others that I've talked to. I've shared my email address (exponixio@gmail.com) on the home page of this blog. I've gotten a lot of letters and messages from other fellow bloggers on my guestbook, which I truly appreciate. I love reading all of the messages. I feel like I have a little network of international friends who know all of my stories. Here's to the good experiences and the bad experiences that I share.
Although I use my personal instagram to share life with my close friends and family, I like to express my thoughts and what I actually did that day in my journal (planner really!) or in my blog. Writing my down seems a bit more permanent to me than a social media post. I got it down on paper and processed it and I can see my writing flourish and come to life. I have to remember that I'm living these memories not so I can run to my computer and record the crazy thing that happened to me, I live my life because I enjoy life.
I also like looking back at dated posts and see what kind of mood I was in. It gives me a overview of how I've really changed in the past year and how differently I viewed things before.
Although, I feel like I'm still me, just a bit more happier and living life a little more daringly and freely. I think that's cool :)
I've decided that I'm going to list out some more goals/rules for the next year so I can look back on them:
Rules of Writing
1. Don't wait too long to write about it. (How I truly felt about the thing is probably better and more accurate to life if my writing is fresh off the dome. I feel like I put things off too easily and don't know how to prioritize things. This reflects myself on other things, not just writing)
2. Watch my tone. (There have been times that I have written about people and I learned that it is often jarring to others when they read about what actions they've done and what they've said to me that day. I try not to paint them as a bad person since it's a bit weird to read about yourself in such a close personal account. When I write about others, I would like it to be true to life. Or maybe I just don't tell them it's about them... I'm still trying to decide. I don't want to be callous or careless about someone's feelings and put them on blast.)
3. Organize all posts from here on out. (I numbered all of my posts so that I can keep track of them easier. If I want to refer to a certain experience, I often refer to my number system. I need to better categorize my posts and keep them up to date.)
Keep writing, my friends.
~ a writer,
<3 K