98. The puzzling societal perspective towards platonic friendships
I've seen a bunch of people on social media posting things about leaving their best friend of however many years because they started dating someone. It's very confusing and disheartening to see. For example, a few women have posted about leaving their male friends because he got a girlfriend. You don't have to do that? You shouldn’t have to break years of your friendship, just because he got a girlfriend. I saw a few comments on these videos saying how it’s a “trust thing,” or something like that, but like… a trust thing for who?
If it’s for the girlfriend, that’s a red flag. The idea that she can’t accept that her boyfriend has female friends? The fact she doesn’t trust him to not go behind her back? Or even try to form relationships with his friends and get to know them better? I think it's actually a great thing that a man can have many healthy friendships with women. If they don't have any female friends at all, perhaps due to circumstances or just not wanting to seek out friendships with girls, then I worry. (Unfortunately, I have had a lot of friendships broken because my male friend's girlfriend was very uncomfortable with me being around him, even though I had a partner at the time.)
If it’s for the guy, that’s also a red flag. As I said before, he should be trustworthy and loyal to his girlfriend. His affection for his partner shouldn’t have to be called into question. The idea that there is even a sliver of possibility for that to happen is certainly not a good start for a healthy relationship.
If it’s for the friend, again, red flag. The fact that they would have to go out of their way to break off their friendship because of this trust thing is actually insane.
Everyone should be allowed to have opposite gendered close friendships without the concept of romance just hanging over their heads for their entire lives, or needless petty drama of the idea that “oh they could be dating!” when that thought has never crossed their minds. Why is it such an abnormal thing to think about?
Honestly, even if they did used to date and broke up, but still remained friends, that should be a sign that their break-up was healthy for both of them and that they won’t plan to get together again. They were both mature and realized that a romance wasn’t something they wanted.
This entire concept just baffles me.
I just don’t understand why men and women can’t just be friends. There always has to be something, some underlying feeling that people just assume is there, when it’s really nothing at all.
This idea was looming in my mind since I moved back to Asia. I have a feeling that I'm a little too Westernized. Whenever I speak with people, I kinda feel the culture difference.
There was a guy who I became friends with about two weeks ago and he instantly took a liking to me. I knew it too, but I didn't have any feelings for him at all. I thought we were just friends so I invited him out to do a lot of outings like lunch, climbing, and going to the movies. I told him that I wasn't really interested in dating anyone when I first met him. I don't think he understood me very well. Maybe I gave him the wrong idea because I told him about my one-week boyfriend and how it was kind of funny and very tumultuous.
He started telling our mutual friends that we were dating (I overheard him telling them while I was within earshot of them and it certainly wasn't cool and not a good feeling for me). They didn't believe him, of course. I was relieved to hear that from a buddy of mine. After a night out, the guy insisted that I take a rideshare with him and he confessed his romantic intentions to me while in the back of the car. Inescapable canon event. I nodded politely and said, "oh that's very nice." and kept quiet the rest of the ride home.
Okay, listen, I didn't want to make the driver uncomfortable because what I really wanted to say was something along the lines of, "thank you, but I don't really like you in that way, and I would really appreciate it if you stopped spreading fake dating news to everyone we know." How the hell was I supposed to let someone down, ask them to politely stop saying bogus rumors about me, but also be firm, yet cordial, while someone else was in the car, listening in our conversation? I thought that the best course of action was to keep quiet and answer him later. I still wanted to be his friend, so I didn't want to embarrass him in front of a stranger. The driver still had to take him home after I was dropped off...
--
So he messaged me back later saying the following:
- "Did you even hear what I said?"
- "I actually really wanted to kiss you just now, but I was just being respectful, and I want you to be mine, I know it's a yes or no, but I can provide and take good care of you."
- "You mean a lot to me and I actually changed a lot after meeting you like the way I am and stuff."
- "I wanted to tell you this earlier, but we didn't have a lot of time."
"Oh that's very nice, but I don't think it's a good idea. I don't have the same feelings I'm sorry."
- "Not a good idea? Why not?"
"I don't want to date you. I just want to be your friend."
- "That's impossible, women and men can't be friends."
That kinda set me off.
He also isn't really talking or hanging out with me anymore. I hung out with him in person after a couple days and had a serious discussion on why I was very upset about how I didn't appreciate him spreading rumors about us being together. I thought the talk went well, but he's been declining my invites out to the climbing gym.
My friends call me a heartbreaker and it makes me sad. I just have bulletproof boundaries.
[EDIT: I was told that I should have let the guy process and mourn the rejection before proposing another hang out. I don't owe him anything. In my opinion, I think it's cool of me to continue like friends and the fact that I didn't say- hey don't talk to me anymore... Damn. I wish people were on my side...]
~ heartbreaker,
<3 K