my thoughts are marbles, roll with me

18. My [current] thoughts about love

I had such a big bout of depression when I came back to the US. I felt like a weight unloaded and then another one was about to jettison into my life and crush me, but more slowly.

As of this day, I have mixed feelings about love and romance. I think that relationships are stable partnerships built over time, with the foundation of friendship and compatibility and the romance is secondary. Picking your committed partner is such a time-investment. You need someone in your corner at all times and you need someone you trust over a lifetime. This isn't very romantic at all, it's a stressful decision. Although, I am a sucker for a good ol' sentimental 'in your feels' longing and pining. Why be super serious when you can be cutesy and amorous?

Over the years, I've gotten more cynical actually. Three long term relationships that lasted a few years and a couple of mistakes later- I don't think I can take another heartbreak. This makes me kind of sad. Being so young and attached to someone really leads to hurt. A heart has taken a beating and the host is now reaping the consequences.

Honestly, I wish I were a little bit more upbeat about potential relationships. Dating is good practice for a long-term partnership and for better sexual health since you're minimizing partners. I'm just being realistic about this. You're going to have to kiss a few frogs before you find your Prince Charming. But I'm feeling like a relationship isn't in my sights at all. As of right now, I do not want to try to pursue a lover. If you look at my dating history, I think I'm a wonderful girlfriend, but at this moment, I would not be in the right state of mind to handle being in a couple.

That's not to say that I won't try if the opportunity presents itself in the given moment. Don't get me wrong, I love an evening date with a pint or two. I've gone on plenty of dates and they went nowhere, but I'm happy to be a part of it. It's kind of fun to just enjoy a night out and talk about stuff and feel vulnerable for a little bit. I do love "the game" every once in a while. My new partner just has to be very eye-catching and mesh very well into my life.

Perhaps I sound incredibly arrogant and super high-maintenance. When the right person comes along, I hope that I can charm them immediately. And honestly, I hope they can like me and I hope that I can like them. Currently, I'm not stringing anyone along. No one's on the roster at the moment (lol). In the past, I had the tendency to pick a person and overlook their red flags. But of course, it is simply too difficult to discern how red those red flags can get if I'm wearing those rose-colored glasses. I'm just establishing boundaries and preferences for myself.

Also, I just don't have the emotional bandwidth and the space to accommodate another person in my schedule.

I recently had my tita ask me,

"oh so are you dating anyone yet?"

The thing is-

  1. I didn't tell my tita that I just came out of a depressive episode and was still reeling from a break-up that happened half a year ago from a boyfriend of two years. It's been a long time, but I think I'm about 90% over that break-up and I'm feeling a lot happier these days (this percentage was way lower last month. the healing process comes in waves)

  2. I didn't tell my tita that I had no romantic interest in anybody. Why would I? I really don't. Some part of me though, I wish I had an innocent crush on someone I know heh. I do think random people are very attractive. There are so many good-looking strangers everywhere! But an airplane crush is simply fleeting. I'm not head over heels over anyone in particular.

"no, I'm not dating anyone..." I replied, I wasn't annoyed about her question or anything.

My tita said the most amazing thing ever: "if I were your age, I would have 10 boyfriends. You are young and beautiful, Kaye. sige na1."

But honestly-- Imagine seeing a "Bachelor-esque/Love Island/Survivor" format of a game show reality TV program I carefully crafted for myself. I absolutely love the show "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila". I think I'd do something along those lines, maybe uh, less problematic. The crew at DropoutTV did an amazing job at their version of a Bachelor's show. (Here's a link to the DropoutTV episode I am referring to, the previous link will take you to a YouTube short)

Unfortunately, I would not take this half-baked "dating show" idea seriously and find true love, I would instead use it for jokes and stories I will tell to my close companions down the line. It's exploitative and will be for farce, based on the ridiculous challenges that I will make the competitors do. like utterly absurd stuff like a gladiator-style arena thing.

You get the point....

I really am at that 'transition' stage in life where I see half of my friends in committed relationships and moving in with their partners and the other half of my friends living independently. I recently had another relative told me,

"You're young and it's good to wait, but you're going to have slim pickings..."

sigh... That is very true.

My favorite thing I've ever heard from someone closer to my age and not a "well-intentioned" relative -

"At this point of my life, I want to be either married or single" - A quote from a supervisor I had when I was 19 years old. My boss was 25 at the time. I hope that she found a nice life-long partner or is living her best independent life.

That also reminds me of an idea of purchasing a billboard for my friend in Boston. He cooks, he cleans, he is utterly charming, he is musically talented, is linguistically talented, has his own car, is handsome- all of these other things going for him. Why on earth is he single?

(He also doesn't put dating as a priority. It is a cool "nice to have", but that's not the move my friends.)

Alright, I do have some red flags that people might think are deal-breakers. Some of them include:

Basically, I'm working on myself. I have a lot of red flags, and you probably do too. Once I'm ready I think it would be quite fun to pursue a life partner.

~ the human vacuum cleaner with an insatiable appetite for pain,

<3 K

Definitions

  1. sige na = come on/go ahead/let's go in Filipino/Tagalog↩

#friends #love #relationships #romance #social