120. Beauty and the concept of "pretty privilege"
I am not a model, actress, make-up guru, or someone who is employed in industries that are related to entertainment or beauty. Here's an excerpt from The Walrus that dives deep into the concept of "Pretty Privilege at Work"
"...One study from Iza World of Labor found that attractive workers earn around 10 to 15 percent more than average-looking ones. Thatās in addition to those workers being more likely to get the job in the first place and to receive better evaluations.
However, this beauty premium also reveals a more sinister side of work. The entertainment industry has perfected the concept of objectifying women for financial gain. But other industries, especially restaurant and retail, are equally guilty of the same exploitation. And in a world where the pressure of presentation feels unavoidable, many workers feel the need to take on the additional burden of aesthetic labourāthat is, the time and cost put into looking, sounding, and even acting the partāin order to succeed."
I don't think I would qualify as an expert of aesthetic at all, but I would allow myself to be an appreciator of it. There's a lot of beauty in the world. I like this excerpt by Scott Langille who writes what I was thinking about but in a very nice brief post.
Beauty and good seem to walk hand in hand. An example that I can think of from the pages of history that truly represent this reality: medieval witch hunts. Old women, spinsters, and widows lived on the fringes of society because their age and haggard looks played a part in the idea that they were witches. In many different lenses, it seems like "ugly" equates with evil, bad, and wrong. Beauty, on the other hand, represents all that is good in the world. Even after hundreds of years, the concept remains part of the human psyche.
What I'm writing about today is mostly dedicated to physical human beauty and the concept of "pretty privilege", a term that the internet has embraced over the years. I don't really like using that term, to be honest. I donāt want this ideology to be real, nor do I want people, āprettyā or not, to be affected by it. But it does affect others.
The term, "pretty privilege," operates on the principle that people who are more conventionally attractive based on societal beauty standards have more advantages and opportunities compared to people who are deemed less attractive.
In the past, I never really thought much or deeply about the concept of beauty, or even my own beauty. It's a very subjective and personal topic that I don't really want to dwell on during the day, but it's very evident and conscious in our everyday lives. Personally, maybe itās a case of modesty, maybe naivety, maybe fear of vanity. I think that I have been taught that confidence could possibly equate to narcissism if I find myself gloating way too hard. Instead, I learned that we should be humble, deflect compliments, and refrain from over-indulging in self-love and acceptance. In a society that places such an enormous emphasis on appearance, even the most āconventionallyā beautiful people and are likely to be their own biggest critics.
Growing up, my mother really wanted me to "embrace my beauty" and show myself off in a very "graceful and elegant way". I remember a very vulnerable time of my life during my birthday in 8th or 9th grade. I was trying on dresses with a very close friend of mine with my mom and our family friend, who was a former beauty queen pageant contestant.
My friend and I were in a department store fitting room, a little uncomfortable with our little pre-teen bodies. Beauty queen pagaent family friend was throwing different articles of clothing at us and we were awkwardly trying to pose and fit into these extremely feminine pieces of fabrics. She and my mom clapped and cheered whenever we emerged out of the dressing room doors. We just felt a little bit embarrassed and self-conscious as young teen girls are. Nothing wrong with what the adult women were doing at all.
Although, I do remember being demanded to flaunt my "curves" in order show off and use my feminine wiles... while I was about 13-14 years old. It was a little weird thinking back, but my mother still has the same kind of energy now, except a little toned down.
Ultimately taking away from that experience, I think she really tried to encourage me to have a bit more self-confidence in myself, which I frankly didn't have a lot of growing up. Like any teenage girl, I just felt self-conscious all the time and it really wasn't good for my mental health.
While I was visiting my cousins during the holiday season, they would tell me that I should try a little bit harder putting on make-up and cuter clothes. I was with my relatives and didn't think I needed to wear a bunch cosmetic products, so I didn't really pack them. My girly girl cousins insisted that I look attractive when we were hanging out at the mall. They were a little frustrated when they realized that I didn't bring a comb, eyeliner, or lipgloss. This sounds very "not like other girls" of me still. Frankly, I don't really care...
I would always think that I had to be "smart" and "clever" because I was comparing myself to my peers when I was in high school, especially growing up in a predominantly Anglo-Saxon community with girls that didn't really look like me. I would often disregard attractiveness and beauty- thinking that it as a frivolous thing to think about. It was very "not like other girls behavior" at the time. "I want to be successful, not attractive." It wasnāt until I was older that I realized the two often go together.
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As an adult, I feel like I'm still trying to break out of that awkward shell of my former self. In the past, I never really received a lot of "romantic proposals" when I was in high school, although I did have a boyfriend at the time. It really wasn't a cutesy high school relationship though, it was actually quite business transactional and very "friendish."
My boyfriend at the time was very stoic, serious, and expected different things than me. He wasn't very affectionate, even if it was just the two of us. I would frequently complain that I didn't receive flowers like the other girls in my grade and that he didn't like to take photos with me. One time, he got angry at me for tagging him in photos and told me that I shouldn't focus so much on the outsider view of our relationship. We would often take long breaks in our relationship, but I would never really entertain other boys.
I was a hopeless romantic (well... still am, quite frankly), trying to grasp for straws in a very unfulfilling relationship. Our arrangement didn't work out at the end (especially when my then-boyfriend said that he had feelings for my college roommate!). Ultimately, I didn't think I received a lot of male attention in my teens because no one would really approach me. Later down the road, my high school friends confessed to me that they had a crush on me in high school, which is certainly flattering to hear now. Although I do appreciate the delayed confession, I think we're in different places in our lives. We're still friends to this day.
I remember one instance during my first year of high school. I was completely blown away when I overheard that a couple of upperclassmen were talking about me, a naive and shy freshman-
"Kayla? She's the left fullback, right?" I was in my high school girls' soccer team and heard this tidbit of information from the older girls on my team. "Oh yeah, she's pretty cute." - a comment from one of the most good-looking guys on the boys team. My 14 year old innocent self was overjoyed when my teammates told me what they heard from their peers.
I certainly do not count how many times people complimented me, but it seems like the most straight-forward and simple way to determine how attractive you are, how others people view you, etc. Although, this absolutely should not be something a person should focus on, this "judgement" from peers can act as an assessment for people in order to improve their physical appearance and boost their confidence. Any bid of attention or compliment should be accepted with grace. To this day, I will continue to remember that fond memory of adolescent me being completely flattered and over my head about the senior boys thinking that "I'm so cute."
I felt like I graduated from cute to pretty during my twenties. I found myself undergoing some kind of physical and mental transformation throughout the last few years. In my opinion, I think I'm decently good-looking, nothing too spectacular, but if I needed to try hard, then I can pull all the stops. Personally, I don't think I would have any cosmetic surgeries while I'm in my 20's and 30's. However, when I reach my 40's and 50's, this sentiment might change when I get a little bit older and wiser and have the vanity and resources to spare, if I really feel the need to.
During my young adult years in the US, I wouldn't get a tremendous amount of interaction from strangers while I was out in the 'wild'. Well, frankly I didn't really go out often, I mostly stayed at home. When I did go out, I would walk to the downtown area and sample some of the craft beer bars or hang out at the boba tea shops alone. Sometimes I would have the occasional drunk townie asking how I'm doing, but the conversation would never go further than that. I feel like Americans are in desperate need of having a "third place" that isn't home or the workplace.
Meanwhile, I've been getting a lot of bizarre interactions from people in SE Asia. A lot of people stare at me while I walk down the street (my mother observed this while we were walking on the sidewalk together). I've received 2 marriage proposals (as a joke, of course) from two uncles on the street. Many people have approached me for directions, information, or saying hi to me for some reason. It's nice that I seem to be really personable and approachable, but it feels a little weird and overwhelming at times.
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I was in a video call with my friends the other day, talking about how life is going while in Asia. During this call, my friends watched my screen as I was getting approached by a guy, who handed me a tiny mandarin, and then walked away. In this same call, another guy approached me, askin me about these chips he bought. My friends watched me talk to this man and started adding a "simp" counter to these little instances.
Another simp counter incident- I wrote an email to my friend Kazaii about something that happened the other day. I went to get my phone fixed at the mall. I have visited this shop 4 times before. The sales guy who helped me was flirting with me, but I thought it was a sales tactic to get another data plan or something (It was not).
I walked out of the store with my fixed phone. The same salesguy decided to WhatsApp message me. I've never had an employee do that with me before, but apparently it's some kind of "check in" message (I did not answer). It was certainly weird; however, I am not going to complain to the store. He was cute, but that move certainly was not. Not even 10 hours back home and these Malaysian men are testing me again. (I have many Malaysian friends now; however, approaching a woman like this is a bit strange. Shoot your shot, I guess.)
Hmmmm.. perhaps I'm just so overly beautiful and mysterious these days.
I remember having a conversation with one of my good friends that went a little something like-
"Why do pretty people always want to be actors or influencers? If they're super attractive, they should really be going into STEM or following their simple passions instead of immediately going into the entertainment industry."
"Maybe it's just confirmation bias. I think it's a requirement to reach that 'baseline of hotness' if you go into acting or modeling careers"
"Yeah, but I just want more hot scientists."
"Me too, baby."
As Iāve gotten older, Iāve still felt the pressure to be pretty and stay pretty, but Iām often reminded of my younger self, thinking to myself that Iād rather be clever. Well, maybe I'm both<3
But honestly, who really cares about that anyway... In my opinion, every human is all kinds of beautiful, and ugly, and everything in between, simultaneously.
~ a cool, beautiful, smart, angel princess,
<3 K