126. There is no romantic guidebook
I am very appreciative of my friends and family giving me support and romantic advice during this "lover girl" dating phase of my life. It's a little bit daunting to hear all of these different things... I have to "up my game" and "have rizz" and "don't be too much, reign it in a little bit you're going to scare him." Sigh.
The post I wrote about my "roster" has gone completely out the window. The roster is closed. I do not want a "hoetation." I do not want to entertain all of these different people. I'm just a bit exhausted of trying to show all my good sides- be flirty, be cool, be exciting- but not too much or else you'll chase them away with how weird you are/how keen you are.
I feel so sick to my stomach. I don't know how to talk to multiple romantic interests without feeling inauthentic and pulled in different directions.
I apologize for sounding so whiny. In all honesty, I feel like I've gotten a bit desperate. Also, I have the awful idea in my head that my friends pity me a bit. I keep asking my friends about what to do, over and over again, but I think I gotta pull myself away.
Then pull myself together.
Anyway, I've established some rules for myself:
I write really thoughtful (albeit sometimes long) messages, BUT these messages are spaced out throughout the day. These messages are purely informational. Sometimes talking to talk is simply not productive.
I try not to contact them too much. I think this is actually a pretty good thing for me. I used to be so clingy as a teenager. I remember having a boyfriend who would call me on the phone every day. It literally isn't sustainable to be that available to your partner. Which leads me to-
I am not too available. Try to avoid developing a neediness, obsessiveness and/or dependency for others, because that will translate into desperation which is obviously very unattractive. People should be a compliment to your life - another source of happiness. Making somebody the primary or perhaps only source of happiness in your life is like skipping along a knife's edge. If you give them all the power to build you up, you therefore give them the power to break you down. It will always hurt, but learn how to handle rejection gracefully. All forms of rejection. I have other friends that I see sometimes and I have addressed that so that I'm not "too available."
God... I really don't know how to "modern date" in our Lord's year 2024. I feel so overwhelmed. I'm supposed to be interesting, but not too niche. I'm supposed to be down for anything, but not overly slutty. I'm supposed to be adventurous, but not too crazy. I know I'm overthinking. I just can't help it. Something unknown like navigating a new relationship is kinda scary. There's no guidebook to romance at all. Are we supposed to write our own rules and adjust it based on the person you're currently seeing or what?
Advice is welcome, but honestly just kind words and validation is preferred. Honestly, I just want to love again.
~ lover girl era,
<3 K