4. The trauma-dump truck
Trauma-dumping: oversharing difficult or intimate details about your life during inappropriate times or without the other person’s consent.
According to many medical professionals, this isn’t even a clinical term at all. “Trauma-dumping” has been such a sickly term that’s been thrown around like confetti during these past years. I know I’ve been guilty of doing this to people, we all have. It's totally normal and quite a pervasive thing among us, humans. Simply forgive those that unintentionally trauma-dumps. We live in a strange day and age where we don't know if we're crossing boundaries or if we really should be vulnerable. The line is all so blurry. Sometimes we gotta test the waters, a little trial and error never hurt anyone in the long run. As humans we should give each other the benefit of the doubt.
As time passes, I try my best to monitor if my friends are okay to listen to my issues I have at hand. Usually I try to process the feelings/problem myself and then have a calm discussion with my buddy after some internal reflection. Venting is much different than trauma-dumping.
Venting is a healthy way to share negative emotions and reduce stress. But with trauma-dumping, you overshare in a way that makes the listener feel overwhelmed or ignored. Think of it as an actual 'dump-truck'- you unload such heavy traumatic experiences to the other person, often without warning and you talk about it in such graphic detail. That's the difference between the two terms.
I was having a conversation (dialogue paraphrased below) with a brilliant close companion of mine. I was venting about how this other girl (I sort of just became friends with) is very beautiful and sweet, but she’s kind of obnoxious, distressed, and won’t stop complaining. I needed advice on how to handle this.
(ok- in her defense she is going through a lot lately… I should be sensitive, but my emotional bandwidth can go so far. I will not share her personal experiences at all, but I'll just touch upon what's happening on my side)
"You know how I unintentionally get between a couple and I don’t know how I ended up there… I just get in the middle of things or initiate the spark of their break up. It’s all unintended though.”
sigh Alright, it just so happens that I often get pulled into that “middle man” role involuntarily.
“Welcome to the club, Kay. Is it the guy at the gym and his girlfriend who stared daggers at you when you talked to him?”
”Different couple." I replied flatly
Oh, and by the way, that guy wasn't even cute, I just gave him some climbing advice. After that whole thing, I was trying to avoid him because his girlfriend looked so pissed and I wasn't going to get involved. Unfortunately, I was an unsuccessful 'other woman' in this case.
My friend cocked his eyebrow and joked, "Oh wow another one"
"Yeah, I’m kind of friends with a girl who complains constantly about her boyfriend this past week. She told me that they’re on a break and it’s just conflict after conflict. I’m actually getting so exhausted listening to her.”
I sat there for a moment. Look, I don’t want to be an asshole, but I really don’t think I can take these back-to-back texts. I look at my phone and I read actual legit logistical issues that I can feasibly give solutions to… but then these texts are basically sandwiched in between the volatile and plaintive relationship messages of “omg kayla I know that we’re on a break but I just had to check his instagram story this morning because he told me he goes on walks in the evenings but it's now 6:24PM and he didn't post about it what do i do??? 😔”
Baby girl, are you sure you’re on a break?
Now, the confidant that I was venting to actually pulled out such a profound statement after I told him about this situation.
“I really need people to understand that- yes, we need to be open and lean on each other for support, but you also need to remember that has a cost. Be the fun person who just keeps it light and not trauma dump on your friends in all hours of the day. That’s why this girl is annoying me.”
This girl is going through it and I think it’s nice that she’s using me as an emotional soundboard I guess…
Maybe I got the face that people can unpack their deepest problems to. I've noticed that I've made a lot of new friends this past year and they feel safe and secure about talking to me about their issues.
I told a friend about this situation, and she told me,
"it's incredible. a testament to how comfortable you make people."
"that's very flattering... but I've only just met them why all of a sudden they tell me their life story? I mean it's cool and all, but very strange."
I welcome all open discussion as long as it’s productive and fruitful, not rude and toxic. I don’t want to turn away a person in need. This claim is confirmed by the fact that - one time, I went into the bathroom of the physical science building during my years of undergrad (I was skipping my boring Physics II lecture about thermodynamics, oops!). Instead of checking myself out in the mirror and typing away on my phone, I actually spent the rest of the hour helping this stranger vomit by holding her hair in a shaky ponytail, letting her talk and cry without judgment. I rubbed her back and said that she deserves someone better than that “no-good SoundCloud DJ she’s been hanging around for 5 months now.” After that whole ordeal, we both thanked each other and went our separate ways… we didn’t even exchange names or anything. Just two girls trying to help each other out, I guess. I hope she's is doing alright these days.
Okay listen- I've been told I'm too nice. I have a tendency to struggle with establishing boundaries. As I grow older, I’m getting better and better with each passing day. Making boundaries is such an adult thing to do and that sort of maturation will hit constantly. Sometimes I just don’t want to hear anymore complaining right now. I just want to keep it light and sexy and maybe have a grim dark moment in order to keep the plot interesting and mysterious. I truly love helping my friends with their problems, but honey, let me eat my breakfast first 😔
To my friends going through it- I’m not saying that I’ll turn you away if you have something to say and want to vent to me. I would never do that, I simply don’t have enough mental capacity right now. Take a breath and listen to your thoughts. At the end of the day, I enjoy hearing you out and helping you if you need it. At the end of the day, I really just want to see you smile. If I can make you laugh, that would be fantastic.
How to avoid trauma-dumping
1.) Don’t bottle up your feelings at all. Talk to someone you trust about what you’re going through. Make sure the other party is available and you ask them if they are okay to hear you out.
2.) Find healthy ways to express yourself. I usually write, read, draw, or exercise. There are great benefits when you invest yourself in your hobbies and let yourself go for just a moment.
3.) Seek professional help. A therapist or a counselor can help you work through your problems in a safe and supportive environment. I highly recommend this. A therapist can give you to tools to work through your thoughts. I actually did CBT for two months during summer in 2021. Recently, I had another counseling month when I wasn't feeling the best.
4.) Take care of yourself eat something, keep hydrated, cry a little bit, and last, but not least, please sleep. I can’t stress this enough. Sleep is a beautiful thing. I went through such a terrible grieving period recently and did not take care of myself at all. I would sleep at different times of the day, I would wake up at noon, I would wake up in the evening, I would stay up until 4 am, I straight-up wouldn’t sleep consistently. This hurt my memory. This hurt my body. Please please please take care of yourself. (This is a note for me too.)
Sorry, that was maybe too much. I dislike being "preachy". However, this was a fun session of stream-of-consciousness writing. But I gotta keep it light and sexy. Onward and upward, my dear friends.
~ The starburst you got from the bathroom attendant and you didn’t even tip him,
<3 K