138. Reminiscing the small Valentine's Day gestures
The last official Valentine's Day romantic date I had was in 2022, which was with my then-boyfriend at the time. It was a very cute date. In the evening, after we finished our work for the day, we went to a small upstairs French bistro and shared savory and sweet galettes. After dinner, we bought some red wine, a rather overpriced baguette, and three very expensive cheeses- Roquefort, Comté, and a very soft fromage de chévre (goat cheese). Apparently, there's a thing called the Cheese Club in Hong Kong (I do not consume enough cheese to secure a membership with this organization). Many French expats in HK adore this club because they can't live without their cheese imported from abroad... Both my boyfriend and I thought it was a bit of a waste and a bit pricey to import from such a long distance. Although, I think it's quite nice that French people are super proud of their culture and food. That's one of the reasons why I admire them (even though I was scolded over and over by many of my friends and family these past months- not to associate with the French! I've been getting message blasts and complaints from my close contacts in Lyon!).
After securing the tasty goods, we went back to his place and watched OSS 117: From Africa With Love (2021). You can find my lousy, one word review on Letterboxd here. The movie is a bit mediocre, but I still had a wonderful and romantic time back in 2022.
He was the type to not make a big fuss over things, but he would do very small romantic gestures that would me make me smile. I would get surprise flowers and little cute notes in French to me in hidden places of my apartment. I never prompted him to do these little things, but it seems like I initiated it when I actually made him a small bento box full of strawberries and crêpes and left it on his desk during the first stages of our courtship. I wrote a tiny note to him and taped it on the bento box- something along the lines of « dis-moi si les crêpes sont délicieuses? - K »
At the start of this relationship, I had zero French language knowledge (aside from bonjour and voulez vous coucher avec moi thanks to Xtina, Lil' Kim, Mýa, and Pink in the early 2000's) and I was not very aware of French culture and cuisine. However, I was interested in it because I made a new friend and wanted to impress him. He found my tiny labor of love very endearing and thanked me in person. He told me that he was feeling really tired and worn out after teaching a tutorial. I didn't think of it much at the time, I just wanted a friend to try my cooking because I really enjoyed making things for people. Also, I needed a French person's expertise if the crepes were actually up to standard. I still remember this moment and I enjoy the wholesomeness of it all.
When we were in the midst of our official relationship, it warmed my heart whenever I would find a small note or if he greeted me with a small bouquet every once in a while. He would surprise me every time too. They weren't overly expensive flowers, because I would slightly complain if they were a bit too much. He understood, but would still would bring me a little arrangement every month or so. I appreciated it every time. I still keep some of the little notes he has written to me.
This is one of the flowers I have received in 2022. He has very nice taste. Please ignore the giant pile of hangers if you look out the window 😭😂
He was very French... but that wasn't the reason why I fell for him. We got along very well and even though we had a large language barrier at the start, I can comprehend. Him, on the other hand, was a bit hesitant. I understood. We were both a little aimless and maybe was perhaps too trauma-bonded during those covid-times. I had a friend ask me,
"If you guys didn't meet in the circumstances that you were in, would you still have dated?"
Enough time has passed for me to think thoughtfully about this. I would say yes. I think that in many other timelines, we would be like two passing ships in the night. In another timeline, we would be just stay friends and get along well platonically. Another timeline would have us both hating each other because of how we weren't on the same page in certain things. However, it's just him and me in this little universe and I don't think I regret the connection we've made.
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My young American brain couldn't wrap around the fact that French people don't ask each other to start a relationship like us Americans have the tendency to do. If I were to include all of the cultural traditions from my ethnic background, the French dating customs would not fly so easily, especially in places like Philippines1 or Japan2. I am sure that there are other people do things differently. I don't want to stereotype at all, but this is just my experience. In France, according to a lot of my European friends, there's no talk of "exclusivity" at all- you simply are in a couple if things fall to place and if the connection is light and easy-going... I have the opposite opinion. I feel like there should be some kind of clarity when you're trying to deal with people, especially in a situation that deals raw, vulnerable emotions. Sometimes things are never easy-going and having to employ a "go with the flow" laissez-faire attitude may not be the best solution. Bref, comme ci, comme ça.
We don't talk anymore, but I would say that it was one of my most successful "failed" relationships I've ever had. I still just have to muster up the courage to message him again. I left him hanging after we (amicably) broke up. There was no ill feeling. There was no bitterness (just a bit, I had to take a break from romance and dating for a while.). I think being friends with him would be good, but it's been quite a long time. If I ever see him walking on the street, I would greet him warmly with a hug and then bid him goodbye. Even with all of these cute little gestures and heart-warming experiences, I don't want to date him again. I think that relationship has ran its course. He was very focused on trying to settle himself in the world. Also, he was more in love with climbing than me (just a joke!).
I have zero expectations. I would be happy if a small friendship occurs if I did send him a hello in the near or distant future. Until then, I'm going to keep the no-contact and then maybe later, when enough time has passed and I feel very very brave, I'll talk to him again.
According to many of my friends, the relationship/romantic drama is getting a bit much, but they are all living vicariously through me. I thought that I would share some wins and show that I'm not all that unlucky in love.
In my opinion, it's good to not have any expectations. That way, you'll be surprised if someone exceeds them. Here's a post that was dedicated to my Valentine's Day in 2024.
~ une fille amoureuse,
<3 K
🍄 https://exponixio.bearblog.dev/
In the Philippines, traditional courtship in the often involves a longer process compared to Western dating customs. It may include "panliligaw" or courting, where a man expresses his intentions to a woman and her family, often through respectful gestures and actions. Moreover, family plays a significant role in Filipino dating customs. It's common for individuals to seek the approval of their family, particularly parents, before entering into a relationship. In some regions of the Philippines, the tradition of "harana" or serenading is still practiced. A man may sing or play music outside the window of the woman he is courting as a romantic gesture. A lot of my cousins have told me that I shouldn't be super open like Americans have the tendency to be. Even though we're in the modern age, they told me to take a page out of the "traditional Filipino dating" handbook and learn a thing or two on how to act appropriately. They don't mean this the wrong way at all, but it seems like I've been having a bit of trouble. Traditional Filipino culture often emphasizes modesty, respect, and conservatism, which may lead some Filipino women to be more reserved in dating and relationships. This could mean taking things slowly and being cautious in expressing romantic interest.↩
In Japanese dating culture, 告白 (こくはく) / "kokuhaku" or confession of feelings is a significant milestone. One person will confess their romantic feelings to the other, often with a direct statement like "I love you." This confession marks the official beginning of the relationship. Additionally, gift giving is an important aspect of Japanese dating culture, particularly during special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Thoughtful gifts are exchanged as expressions of affection and appreciation. Couples in Japan often celebrate special holidays together, such as Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, which are considered romantic occasions for spending time with loved ones. One culture difference I found out about in Japan- Valentine's Day is a day where the women give gifts to the men. White Day is a day where the men give gifts to women. Guide to Valentine’s Day and White Day in Japan↩