33. Reflecting back on fights with past romantic partners
I'm reflecting back on stuff a lot more these days. I used to not think about the past so often, but I'm just fraught with anxiety these past days. I don't seem like it, but I've just been a bit withdrawn and sort of masking my worries with procrastination and humor. It's terrible (not my jokes, of course ha! ok they are funny to me...), this halt to my growth as a human being. I'm writing this out right now and I really need a big kick in the pants. I need to get on with it. I need to move on!
Also, it seems like I was buzzing with cheerfulness and new things/hobbies/fun times in the first month of my blogging, but I've come to a sort of a speed bump. It doesn't appear like I'm super sensitive or super expressive in my posts? It's like I'm holding out an arm away from you and trying to dance around what I truly wanted to say. I wrote about my thoughts about my love life, which was a great start in the journey of vulnerability. But I looked at this blog and I see my preferences and the things that fascinate me, but I don't think I'm absolutely vulnerable or honest to the friends that usually read this. I mean, I don't have to share absolutely everything about myself, but I want to be me in my own skin and upfront about what I'm feeling.
I feel - meh - ? Do I write about something else? Something more personal?
Anyway, I had an ex message me the other day. We left off on a good note- but to be honest, I think he had a better time than me, going through the break-up process... We're pretty civil and I do not have any qualms about the relationship. However, I had to do no contact for a couple months when we broke up half a year ago. Oh god... that was half a year ago? I still feel bad about it and don't want to put myself out there? God, Break ups really suck, even if it's an amicable one (no infidelity, no meaningless bickering, no grudges at all!). No matter what- whether you were the dumper or the dumpee- break ups suck.
But listen, I was not aware that we weren't together after I left the country... He was talking to me like we were still a couple? It was very confusing to me and I felt kind of betrayed. I clearly communicated that to him-
"I feel betrayed. You didn't tell me we weren't together" I had said. Then proceeded to cry on video call. Embarrassing.
He said that "I was making a really big deal with this and that we had spoken about this before I left" and then had said that he "usually always talks to his exes after he breaks up with them because he still loved them and then slowly pull back over time."
I guess that's normal, but shouldn't he have clarified that we weren't together anymore again instead of me trying to pry the answer out of him that he didn’t want to be in relationship with me anymore and that there had to be a clear change in how we speak to each other? It was a misunderstanding on my part, but a rather harsh one. Wow. Also, I wasn't aware that there was an off-boarding process for relationships? Is that a thing? Maybe I should have known. I had a couple of relationships before, but those situations consisted of abrupt volatile events that kinda led to the break ups. After that, I don't check their socials, I don't check their phone number, I don't check up on their friends or family. Why would I? We're not dating anymore? People have called me super cold because I don't want to associate with them anymore. Out of sight, out of mind, man.
I'm using my writing as a way to reflect back on my behavior, my experiences, my life. At this very moment, I'm feeling a bit regretful about the relationships.
According to my mother, I should get a move on because my biological clock is ticking and I need to freeze my eggs (ugh). She's... kinda right. I guess I am getting older, but medicine and technology have improved tremendously these past years. Still, I feel bad. I feel bad that I went through a break up and still not over it while I get wedding invites from my high school friends. I don't like to go on my Instagram anymore because I see my old classmates buy a house with their significant other. My friends are moving on with their lives, while I'm still feeling like an insect, molting and peeling out of a shedding exoskeleton. This exoskeleton hurts.
At this point of my life, I'm still very young, but I don't want to limit myself. My mother has been subscribed to traditional views and ideals all her life. I don't blame her at all. I just feel, like I'm not ready at all. Not ready because I look back at my fights with past partners and cringed so hard, I can feel my facial muscles contort and the insides of my stomach twist immediately.
I think some of the fights and circumstances in my relationships were clearly a miscommunication issue or on a subject that we didn't have the same views on, and we really couldn't reconcile. I can't help but think that a majority of the time, this is my fault- that we couldn't agree on something and I'm trying seek a compromise on a lot of things. I would often break my back on something that I actually don't care about or really agree on so that my partner would think that we reached an agreement so I can stop the fighting.
For example, I had a long-distance boyfriend in my first year of uni that convinced me to do (in his words) non-ethical non-monogamy (which I do not have a problem with, but personally I don't think I could do it now). I said to him, I would consider it, but I don't really want to know anything about his side. To be honest, I wasn't really willing to see other people as I was super busy with school stuff and my friends and family. We would often talk about ourselves in a video call and do some studying at the same time while on the call. These calls began as a once a day thing then slowly became a once a week thing.
More time has passed and we got a bit busier. One day, at the end of the week, I felt myself dying after I saw him talk endlessly about a new female friend he made. For some odd reason, he was really happy after hanging out with this friend. I mean, I wasn't upset that he made a new friend or whatever, but I felt uncomfortable when he told me how much he like-liked her, ya know. Anyway, I agreed on this negotiation, but I really didn't feel that comfortable in this negotiation. Our communication started becoming less and less. After a while, I decided to break it off and was wrecked with guilt because I couldn't be the cool, good girlfriend. I didn't want that anymore. I didn't feel like I was a priority anyway. He was mad, but he understood. We didn't have the same perspectives on things and that's alright. We don't talk anymore. (He also had a thing for my roommate.. which he confessed.. which was weird...)
The most common fights that I've had with former partners were that I was moving too fast. Time is relative, of course. It's kind of insane that most of my relationships don't really go past 2 years, which is a good amount of time to spend with someone I think. To me, 2 years is quite a long time, but not enough. My relatives have been with their partners for at least 7+ years and then they get married. Am I moving too fast for suggesting that we try to figure out how to live together a year and a half into the relationship? We were both adults and trying to figure out life stuff. At first, I didn't want to move in together, but it would make things easier. To this day, I've never actually successfully moved in together with a former partner of mine unfortunately (well, there was one time a month or two before I had to move for grad school, but I don't think that counts...).
Another time, I had a fight with an ex about him responding to a message from his ex girlfriend. I was cooking dinner in the kitchen, and I was really not happy about what him talking to his beautiful Russian ex gf (who he totally raved on and on about before we dated...), and but tried to express this discomfort in a very calm way,
"It's nice that she wants to talk to you, but I don't really like how you were playfully teasing her in that last message you just sent."
"She texts me every once in a while." He laughs, "You see what I sent? I'm clearly making fun of her. She's kind of dumb and I wanted to mock what she said."
"I mean, look- I don't really care if you're making fun of her or whatever. This whole situation doesn't really sit well with me. I'm not trying to prohibit you from talking to your ex, you can do what you want, but I don't really like this right now. sorry, if you continue this conversation, please don't show me."
He was taken aback went really victim-mode on me. I felt really bad after that conversation. I don't really talk to my exes.... and after that, he didn't show me messages from anyone anymore. Wait, did he talk to all of his exes?
Another fight I had with an ex was when he bought a giant taro root from the store. I told him, taro is toxic if you eat it raw. Even after that warning, he didn't listen to me. He immediately freaked out after he called me frantically, saying that he ingested about 2 cm of raw taro root (that's not a lot, but he was concerned). Lucky for him, I was close by his apartment and immediately came to his aid.
The poison control center representative on the phone laughed in his face (I don't think he explained his situation on the phone very eloquently, I mean- if you think you're poisoned, it's a little difficult to be calm during all that so I sympathize. Looking back at this, it wasn't very professional of the guy to laugh at him, but it's so hilarious).
Then he got mad at me (lmao???).
This was from an ex who just came back home after visiting his family in another city. He dumped his luggage in his room and I asked if I could help him do his laundry (We helped each other do chores sometimes). He was weirdly private about it? I don't know why. So I let it go and didn't help him that day.
However, I washed something in his washing machine and took his clothes from the dryer and saw that there were... smaller clothing inside? They were a size medium- clearly women's- gym shorts that weren't mine.
Of course, I blew up at him and was being totally unreasonable and emotional.
After that he explained to me, "these were my ex's shorts from 4 years ago!"
"Why were they in your bag? You forgot to give them to her or throw them away or something? This isn't looking good for you."
"Um, well, when my brother was hooking up with her (yes his brother hooked up with his girlfriend while they were still together) he forgot that he had these shorts and he thought that they were mine, and I had to take them back without him knowing that they were... uh, hers... and I forgot to throw them away."
"That was the most bullshit answer I have ever heard."
He threw away those shorts in front of me. I left that apartment for a little bit to vent to my friends.
That whole fight was very strange.
The opinions of my friends and what past lovers have expressed about me are completely different. But am I different with my romantic partners than my closest friends? That's true right? You show a different vulnerable side to your lover than you do to your friends.
I find it sad that all of my friends have lasted decades whereas I can't even last two years with a romantic partner. I feel like I failed in that department, but I kinda succeeded in the friends part? Probably not.
I feel like sometimes I am a lousy friend because sometimes I'm too shy to reach out. People get busy as we get older. I don't have the same priorities or responsibilities as my friends now, and that's perfectly fine. Although, I worry about the day when I sit down with my friends and I clearly see how our lives went in totally different directions and we have nothing to relate to together. It's going to crush me.
So yeah. I'm feeling a bit, sad and trying to make myself feel better, about myself. It'll be fine. Don't worry (lol I'm crying in the middle of the coffee shop as I write this).
But seriously, don't worry. I'm a flawed human being and I think that's cool. I will be alright.
(By the way, at the beginning of this post I mentioned that my ex messaged me… I didn’t answer him back. I don’t know what to do.)
~ the human dump truck parked on your lawn,
<3 K