69. Processing past shame and rethinking sex ed
I sometimes correspond the post number (today is 69! It's so funny, huh?) to the topic of what I'm writing about. Today's post has some controversial topics that involve sex and sexual education that I was inspired to write about as I recalled some things I learned while I was growing up.
Note: I'll talk about topics that are related to religion, shame culture, sexual health, and sex ed. Although this is a personal post, I won't go into very deep detail about experiences, just some commentary about certain topics.
As I was reflecting upon my life so far, I was thinking about the type of sexual health and intimacy education that I had when I was growing up. As a teenager, I went to this private high school, where the sex ed was mostly religious-based and very biased. Actually, I kind of fell off the Christianity wagon around my first year of high school, but still continued to attend lol. A lot of the things that was taught to me were spoon-fed messages filled with prejudice and illogical claims... It just didn't sit well with me.
I think a lot of people had a difficult time trying to understand how to make sense of their own sexual education when they were growing up. It is a shame that we weren't prepared beforehand and had to learn the hard way through real-life experiences that are honestly traumatic and detrimental to personal growth. What's the right age to impart sex education? Globally, nobody seems to have a handle on that. Because of cultural and social differences, an absolute global standard is difficult to set.
One of the worst sexual education examples I had during my first years of high school was listening to many talks from a lady named Pam Stenzel. Pam Stenzel has the constant habit of spitting out a firey speeches riddled with fear-mongering and misinformation to young people. I had the wonderful privilege to hear her speak in person during my 3rd year of high school. If you want to get irrationally angry, I recommend you watch one of her videos. This woman is so harmful and spews blatant lies about birth control and pre-marital sex. The victim blaming and rape culture rants that were baked into this woman’s “presentations” were abhorrent.
To be honest, I would compare my years of adolescence to the really obscure Netflix comedy show, Teenage Bounty Hunters (I haven't heard anyone really talk about this series. It literally only had 1 season before they cancelled it! I was devastated!). Although, I don't think my teenage years were as bizarre and wild...
In Teenage Bounty Hunters, the main characters of the show are fraternal twin teenage girls who go to this private Christian high school (just like me!). This series was kind of a hilarious and clever satire on the southern and conservative perspective set on religious high school, with khaki short uniforms and snooty kids as well. I liked watching that show because, even though the characters were weird and stereotypical and did really outlandish things, they had certain conversations that hit pretty hard and that I related to a lot of the personal issues that they were dealing with.
One of the biggest things that stuck out to me was how they addressed intimacy and sexuality issues in the show. It was raunchy, but nothing over the top at all. The twins lived in a rich community in Atlanta, Georgia with these really traditional and religious people around them, so of course they would have a different kind of perspective on certain things, but also challenge these beliefs as the plot progresses.
I liked watching Teenage Bounty Hunters because they introduced a nuance to this christian lens and it's brilliantly subversive. It pokes fun at the elitist mentality through satire and it's not too preachy. Looking at the actual context of the show, the religious backdrop is there to connect viewers with the broader messaging- LGBTQ+ content, women's sexual gratification, BLM, race issues, personal happiness and growth outside of a relationship, etc. These things loomed in my mind growing up, and I had a bit of a struggle trying to figure out myself, as many do during their teenage years. For me, one of the biggest things that impacted me with a lot of this religious trauma was the shame and stigma that comes with sex and sexuality in a community that was obsessed with purity and sin.
There are some issues I had with the sex ed that kids were and are currently experiencing.
- Abstinence-only education is when teachers only teach students to not have sex. This is failing.
Abstinence is the act of refraining from sex until marriage. This is crazy. Humans have sex. Teens have had sex at this age for millions of years. It’s only been recently that people married later in life. Despite that, religion and society still expects teenagers to not have sex until they are much older. However, abstinence-only education is not helpful to when they are teens and it is extremely unhelpful to them when they transition into adulthood. People are learning later in the life what safety is, what boundaries are, what is and is not pleasurable to them- these are things that aren't covered in an abstinence-only education because they just prohibit people from ever interacting that way. Even after high school, there is not much chance for people to learn about sexual education, and of course they still need to learn about contraceptives and things.
- There are so many sexual identities and quirks that can make people incompatible.
I'm inclined to believe there are many more asexuals than we realize, given how long it takes for asexual people to realize that they don't even enjoy sex. Scott Alexander, a blogger who is asexual, writes about this experience:
"I took a surprisingly long time to realize I was asexual. When I was a virgin, I figured sex was one of those things that seemed gross before you did it, and then you realized how great it was. Afterwards, I figured it was something that didn’t get good until you were skilled at it and had been in a relationship long enough to truly appreciate the other person. In retrospect, pretty much every aspect of male sexual culture is a counterargument to that theory, but I guess it’s just really hard for my brain to generate “you are a mental mutant” as a hypothesis."
- If people aren't properly taught about sexuality, they are taught through porn.
I don't have anything against porn at all, but there is absolutely a problem when that's how people are learning about sex. This is because for the sake of aesthetics, porn paints a grossly distorted mirror of what sex and sexuality is like.
There are many controversial opinions about sexual liberty and expressing your sexuality in an open way. One of the most interesting articles about this topic I have read are by Ashleigh Barnes "Sex Work Is Not Work: A Marxist Feminist Analysis of Prostitution – PART I" and Esperanza Fonseca, "A Socialist, Feminist, and Transgender Analysis of “Sex Work”". They address the question: is there a way to have a sex industry which isn't rife with exploitation and traumatization? I don't know, but I sincerely hope so.
How to rethink and re-frame sex ed:
- Talk about what sex can be: female pleasure, queerness, education on how unrealistic porn is, etc.
- Talk about what consent is: know when to report, know what not to do, know how to recognize a rapist.
- Talk about what safety is, not just learning about how to be safe during sexual experiences, but self-preservation in general.
- No analogies about virginity at all please. In school, teachers used an analogy about virginity and flowers. You are a flower; the more sex you have the more of your petals you’re giving away. When it’s time to get married you want to be able to give your your partner a full flower. This analogy is a horrible way to view a human.
- Less blame-culture and stigmatization, more support and awareness.
Maturity levels do not get higher by sheltering people. Education and experience is what makes someone mature. We can't do much for the experience part of the equation, but we can help the education side.
Below is a list of websites I think are useful to learn more about sexuality, intimacy, and navigating through sexual experiences as a young person:
Amaze; a global sexual education platform loaded with videos, narratives, downloadable content, and more. Through digital media they provide medically accurate, age-appropriate, affirming, and honest sex education” that can be accessed directly online
Beducated; a global sexual education platform offered to adults across all stages of life and lovers.
Killer and a Sweet Thang; a very straight-forward and nicely-made website that posts articles and personal anecdotes covering "sex, crushes, and the mess that we call growing up"
Go Ask Alice; a global sexual education website that shows FAQ's about sexual health and education and is supported by a team of Columbia University health promotion specialists, health care providers, and other health professionals, along with a staff of information and research specialists and writers.
~ not a metaphorical flower, but a physical one (and a very pretty one at that!),
<3 K