95. On making your own decisions
A couple months ago, I had an eye exam and picked out two different eyeglasses for myself. My eyesight got slightly worse, but it wasn't a huge difference. I was relieved when I saw that my eyes weren't deteriorating at a rapid rate. I thought they would be a lot worse since I've been staring at screens so often.
When it came around selecting my new frames, I was a bit hesitant about picking the right kind of ones. I always had these thin plastic ones that were a bit flexible. I always opted for a frame that made my face a little bit smaller. I stared back and forth at the displays and the mirror as I tried different pairs on, one at a time.
After a good 40 minutes (I looked at the clock. I was thinking really hard about this wow.), I picked out two glasses, one wire-y one and the other, looking plain, but sharp. Getting new glasses made me feel like a whole new person, like people look at me differently. Was it a new fresh air of confidence?
But what's with all this indecisiveness...? Why am I so caught up in so many instances of decision paralysis?
In a world inundated with choices and external influences, the ability to make your own decisions has become a precious skill, often overlooked in the hustle and bustle of modern life. I find myself constantly searching if I made the right choice or not. It's been a real toll on my mental because often I feel like the "consequences" of my choices don't readily appear.
I remember I played the Telltale Walking Dead games and seeing a pop-up on the top corner of the screen saying "Clementine will remember that." It often felt so cryptic... but it was really helpful when trying to navigate different branches of the story. Now, why can't real life have something like that? A notification popping up in your phone, telling you that "by the way, that boba tea you ordered at lunch? it's going to give you a gnarly stomach ache in the next hour." God, how could I forget that I'm slightly lactose intolerant?
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I had a talk with my therapist about my hesitation with a lot of things regarding the choices I make. I honestly think I'm in good and capable hands of my rather understanding therapist. I've been saying things like "It’s okay to not have it all together, right?" She responded with: "Look Kayla, you're depressed and you had a lot pushing on your shoulders for the longest time." It was rather off-beat straight talk from her and I appreciated it. I have to admit I was literally in a mess of things, trying to pull myself out. It was rough.
Lately, I've been making big moves. It's really exciting to see. I'm still trying to unstuck myself with the unfamiliar and anxiety of life. We as people have become prisoners of our own decisions, stuck in a loop of consistency that offers little room for growth or happiness. So how do we escape this self-imposed prison? We just have to exist in the here and now. It'll be ok.
~ haunted by the decision paralysis monster,
<3 K