83. Making progress in trying not to make progress
I broke down in tears while talking to my therapist today. I had a couple of talks with her already about how I was feeling and how totally depleted I was. While writing here, I perceive myself as totally vulnerable and open about a lot of things, but there are some certain topics I sort of dance around and try not to talk about due to privacy reasons and basically- that I'm truly not ready to talk about them just yet. I hope to be open about things (as in, not break down and cry every time someone brings up these subjects).
Today I was told, "You don't have to report to me every time you make progress. I mean, it's really good that you do. But this isn't a place where you have to feel hurried or overwhelmed, constantly on a deadline. What are you even hurrying for anyway?"
I sat back and realized, "I'm just... trying to manage. I'm really not managing myself well lately. I'm just holding everything in."
"You don't have to be so hard on yourself. I've heard you talk about yourself and I think you're pushing yourself way too much. You're not even enjoying the things you're doing now, don't let yourself be stuck in that misery."
It makes a lot of sense - I feel so stagnant, so restless, in life. I have said before that I've been stuck in the same spot while everyone else grows around me. But for me, I think a lot of people are overly critical and hard on themselves (I've spoken about this a lot).
What I realize that talking out these thoughts rather than holding them in is a best way you can deal with them. Expressing yourself in such a vulnerable way is supposed to be a microcosm of one's life. There are patterns and behaviors that will manifest, giving you a chance to explore this feeling of stagnation in the here and now.
"Til peace we find, tell you what I'll do All the things I own I will share with you And, if I feel tomorrow like I feel today We'll take what we want and give the rest away
Strangers on this road we are on We are not two, we are one"
-Strangers, The Kinks
~ listless and not so lifeless,
<3 K