56. Just some scholarly woes and taking action
I've been working on my thesis. It hurts. It truly hurts me how it took me so long to start it back up again. I really had momentum, but it just halted. I burned out. I don't want to talk about it until I finished that chapter of my life. After that, I would be glad to talk about it at a much later date. Talking it out and building up my mental health has given me a lot of tools to just adjust my mindset on things, but I just need to do things and give myself some grace.
I broke down for a while and stopped making decisions and stopped taking action, thinking it would help- but it didn’t. I laid in bed, I couldn't get up in the morning, I distracted myself with video games, mindless chatter, reality television. Turns out, not taking action is actually just as bad if not worse. Now I have so many projects and responsibilities overwhelming me and so many decisions that need to be made that affect other people too, plans that I don’t want to happen… Just so much. It doesn't feel like I'm actually going anywhere, more like I'm on a bike glued to the ground and I'm aimlessly spinning my wheels. I work on my writing here and there, but I'm just loathing myself for being this way.
My vulnerable hind is out in the open- what's got me so stuck? I just needed time to feel bad, needed to time to feel all the emotions, needed time to process the things that happened, the good and bad, the highs and lows that meshed together.
All I got going for me is that my heart is still beating hard and the air in my lungs is still going in and out. I shouldn't have anything to worry about. I'm alive.
I just have to do things now. I want to see the world, I want to be someone really cool.
I've been repeating this mantra in my head: "Take the first step, start something today. Make your idea into actionable steps, something that you can work towards in the long-term."
It’s easy to say ‘start, take action and do the work’. But there are deep-rooted reasons as to why we don’t drop everything and takes action on ideas we just generate every few hours. The idea needs to be feasible, you need to calculate the risks involved and plan the steps you need to take.
Start low... start slow.
What happened is - I've just fallen into a habit and it simply cannot be undone at one go.
I have already made notes of the work at hand. So, firstly, select an easy task that doesn't allow you to go back to old habit. Finish a paragraph or two and then stop. Go on about doing your normal work or hanging around.
Next time, finish a few more paragraphs. This way, I'm slowly and steadily improving and building new habits. Note down your progress.. I need to fix time for each topic. Slowly allot the time and you should be doing only that thing.
One more thing to remember: Do not compare yourself it with anyone at all. Just ensure, you're doing a little more than what you did yesterday or previous attempt.
Sometimes, you may not have motivation to go ahead.. at those time, remind yourself that you are master of habit and not slave to inaction.
~ the eye lift that went horribly wrong so now you just look super surprised,
<3 K