5. How to make friends like a normal person, from a not-so-normal person
Why do we find making new friends so hard as adults? Loneliness is at an all-time high these days, but I've actually been content with being by myself. I tend to meander around coffee shops or lull over a pint at a bar just by myself. I've become comfortable in being alone. I quite enjoy the solitude. However, I realize that I can't just be alone- that's not what human society is about. We are literally wired to connect.
Different cultures have different beliefs about how important social connection and interdependence are to our lives. In the West, people tend to think of ourselves as relatively immune to sway of those around us while we each pursue our personal destiny. In the East, it's a little different- people tend to be more collectivistic in nature. Individuals are seen as embedded within their group identity, and the notion of a separate, autonomous self is de-emphasized. I'm kinda lucky and I see and understand the benefits of both of these schools of thoughts.
But to me- observing society as a whole, we've been way too isolated these last couple of years and it was extremely damaging to our mental health. To connect something or someone is to “bring together.” The result? Something real becomes established.
But honestly, making friends is honestly just plain hard. How do we go about that?
Apparently the most cited challenge amongst people is the general lack of trust. It's difficult to put their trust in someone. I guess as adults, we have greater self-awareness than children. We're more aware of the risks of being judged by others, risks of not being liked, of being rejected, or being hurt. We've been through so much. If we've had previous rejections as friends or suffered a breach of trust, it's difficult to lean into vulnerability and open up as a person. Me? Being vulnerable? God, we're just so wary (not that this is a negative thing at all. It's okay to guard your heart. I do that too).
“In his lifetime, he had seen enough injustice to know the world was cold and remorseless and didn’t care one fig about the happiness of people. He tried to live a good life and devote that life to helping others, but he never thought the world would reward him for his efforts. Such a thought would be the ultimate in self-deluding self-aggrandizement, for why would the world care one iota about him?”
― Ray Smith, The Magnolia That Bloomed Unseen
What I've also noticed that was a problem is that friendships need time. Developing connections need time to breathe. Like wine, you gotta let it oxidize so that we can soften the flavor and release the aromas. (I like this analogy a lot, we just gotta be patient with one another in order to have a good time)
We live in such a fast-paced world. A glowing box with all the information in the world is probably in your hands/in your pockets/in your bag/on the table right next to you at this very moment. Information is right at our fingertips. Our patience wears thin whenever we watch a split-screen video of: (1) Subway Surfers at the top; (2) Minecraft video on the bottom; (3) A robotic voiceover of a TIFU Reddit post about some schmuck cheating on his girlfriend of 5 years or something. It's no surprise that we all have some sort of attention deficit disorder symptom (not that it's a bad thing! With the fast-paced world we live in, that's just a result of the technology we have, and often take for granted)
I tend to call spontaneous, in-the-moment connections, "bathroom friendships". This is such a feminine experience. There's an element of fear when you're a girl, venturing alone in the world. I feel it especially when I'm traveling alone. It's a unique experience and I try to be good at self-preservation.
A bathroom friendship is just like this- If a club or a bar is a science lab for studying human behavior, the shared bathroom is surely the petri dish. Although it may seem like an unlikely environment to strike up a conversation and forge friendships, many women believe there is something comforting about the ambiance created inside the pub restroom, whether it is asking someone to borrow their lipstick or to compliment a girl's hair. Bathroom friendships are fast, they're in the moment. Bathroom friendships are raw, true, real. You simply cannot fake bathroom friendships. In that cold cubicle of tile and perfume scents, it's just you and the girls. You don't feel judgement. You don't feel shame. It's such a quick, vulnerable, yet intimate feeling when you find yourself bonding with the sloppy girl yacking in the back by helping her hold her hair or fix her make up (or perhaps... you're the sloppy girl? no judgement here, I know that feeling).
But my advice? Don't keep bathroom friendships too close to your heart. Like a match, they're fleeting. You're not going to remember a single thing about that interaction.
(Alright that’s not true. On 28 April 2019, I recall an incident of a “bathroom friendship” I made with a girl called "Brie" in the bathroom of a watering hole by the name of Filthy Mcnasty's in Reno, NV. I visited my friend up north and we went bar-hopping as typical university students do. I stumbled into the restroom, dazed and full of tequila of course. I was immediately charmed by this drunk girl at the toilets showing me a tattoo of a teddy bear on her left forearm. My friend and I took a photo with her and it was laughs all around.)
(I never saw Brie again)
We crave the "bathroom friendship" type of connections. Speaking for myself, when I see someone interesting to talk to, I want to click with them right away so badly. The feeling of desperation claws at me when I want to connect with such a smart, snazzy person. I want their coolness to rub off on me! I want to feel seen. I want to feel heard. Come on, please be my friend...
But why the urgent need to rush friendships?
Well, people have demanding work schedules, very involved family lives, struggling personal issues. Why invest so much time and effort in friendships? Even when we meet someone awesome, it's so difficult to carve out time to invest in this new connection. Obligations have a linear relationship with age.
I don't know the actual solution to the main question lingering in our heads right now... Why is it so hard to make friends? I don't think anybody has the exact response to this. It's just plain hard! I'll take a shot at answering though:
How to make friends like a normal person, written by a not-so-normal person
- Make the most of any quality time
The hours you spent together with a person need to be quality. To develop a new friendship, you need to have personal connection. It doesn't have to be intimate, deep conversations all the time. Casual check-ins and meme/joke exchanges are just as important too. Just like I said, keep it light and sexy at all times.
- Lean into your vulnerability.
I admit it, I've been very guilty of not doing this. I used to be so guarded with myself and be very vague with my answers because I used to fear what that other person thinks of me. Most of the time... people do not have malicious intent. They're not plotting against you. Usually, most people don't have ulterior motives or hidden agendas (unless they really do, I feel like you can spot fake people like that right away.)
I was so scared by the idea of being vulnerable. Now I embrace it. I'm in control of how much I trust. I am in control of how much I open up. If you struggle with trust, consider sharing personal info very slowly, rather than all at once. It's very light and sexy of you to be mysterious like that. 😏
- Be present in the moment (this is the most important one)
The present of presence. Check the jealousy and insecurity at the door. Share the conversation love. Be active. Be present. Be here.
I asked a question to the great drag queen, Jasmine Masters, on IG live one time. I loved her response and I thought it was an extremely sagacious answer, so I recorded what she said.
"What's your advice on building relationships, jush?" on 30 Jan, 2023.
She simply said, "Do your part."
Do your part. If you do your part, in a relationship, whether it's a relationship when you with somebody, or a relationship that you've been friends with, if you do your part on whatever you're supposed to do for that relationship, you'll be fine. However you feel a friend is supposed to be, whatever you think it is, that's what you do. You do your part. And if you don't do your part, then hey, and if they don't do theirs, then now you know."
(Ok- I'm a very "list-oriented" person, so I made this for myself. Just to remind myself not to stress out about it. I don't know why it's such a silly thing to list, but honestly, I have to remind myself to not feel bad about messing up a social interaction. Making friends isn't easy, but I sure like the experience)
~ the gal who's not here for a long time, but here for a good time,
<3 K