24. Embracing mediocrity
[I wrote this post around 2:30AM, scrambling to finish stuff and this thought has been weighing on me for quite a while]
I had (honestly I still have) an unhealthy all-or-nothing mindset about a lot of things. I either go all-out for something or never even bother. I find it difficult to draw on any successes from my past, and I have this terrible mentality that I seem to fail at most things I do? That's not true honestly, but all these the cognitive distortions feel heavy on these shoulders, man.
"Why am I not good enough?" I often say this to myself. I also say that to rejected applications, abandoned projects, failed exams, my broken heart from former lovers and past friendships that fade away... It really does feel like you against the world when things just don't go as well you thought it would. I really have to snap myself out of that attitude.
I have this deep fixation to be the best. Just a product of my upbringing and environment, honestly. That's the way I am. I realize over time, that I'm certainly not the best, no one is. People are just people, and even the most impressive human beings have their good days and bad days. That little thing gives me a lot of comfort. There's no handbook to life. We're all just trying our best in on this little planet.
For a lot of people, mediocrity is the result of not achieving enough "greatness." But honestly, do we even know what it actually means? “Mediocre” has its root in Latin. It comes from the word mediocris, which meant “middling, ordinary, unremarkable” Our lives are full of internal and external mountains and we really can't climb all the way to the peak in one go. That would be impossible. I can keep pushing and pushing and reach the middle- isn't that enough? I should strive to be at least average, you know? I don't have to put all this extra effort to burn myself out. Progress takes time and I should build layers- of stamina -of strength -of sheer willpower to get to the top. The difference between this slow and steady wins the race and this all-or-nothing idea is just wisdom. I am good enough, and simply existing is good enough for me!
I focus so hard on being the best version of myself, but in reality, when I'm not really trying- I am the best version.
Now, I don't want to write a long, preachy novella about this at all, but I just want to add a few reminders for me to reflect on.
How to embrace mediocrity and just do it, just do life
1.) Find your comfort zone. Live there. Push the boundaries when you can, but fall back into this spot when things gets overwhelming or dangerous.
2.) Don't fuel your self-esteem through comparisons of your performance against those "ideal" others. You are you.
3.) Don't be afraid of failure. Failures are just "Learning Experiences™️" Lick your wounds, figure out what went wrong. Try again. Each time you'll get closer to success.
4.) You have a support system. We're all rooting for you. We are all cheering you on. We're all in your corner.
I love geology so much. Some of the best and beautiful rock formations in the world have gone through so much. Look at them, all cracked and weathered. I try to think of myself as sturdy as a rock, unfazed and sort of stubborn (heh). But it's the rains and the storms that erode the Earth, after all. They get worn down, but they're still standing!
~ a genuine rock-collector,
<3 K