55. Disengage and prioritize yourself
It's been a while since writing, huh? I was inspired by misu's blog post, "a sad game of phone tag"
The title says it all. I feel like a lot of things have been weighing heavy on me. Sometimes I feel like I have to shout into the void because I feel so frustrated with this depleted energy battery.
My friends have told me that I have the face of someone would tell their deepest secrets to. I guess I should take it as a compliment that I look so approachable (or perhaps sign to a secret spy agency? hehe). Often I am assigned as the "therapist" role to my friends (to all of my international, professional, old school mates, etc.). Not only limited to friends, but also in romantic relationships and with family.
This happens so often in my life that I'm really starting to feel like I'm used. Don't get me wrong, I love listening to people and I really get something out of giving (my time, empathy, encouragement). However, when it's not returned, I feel like a psychologist, like an emotional laborer, not a valued friend. I think I just want a friend who would return the same energy back?
On the other hand, I haven't really reached out to people. I've been really happy being all by myself. I've been trying to work on myself feeling better and doing things occasionally to let off steam.
I've seen so many of my friends be bogged down by work, family issues, and the occasional emotional vampire that they have in their lives, that I just don't want to add onto their stress by existing in it as an active participant. So I've quietly disengaged and tried to fade into the background. I miss being in the big city life and with a bunch of friends, but I don't want to go back to that until I resolved my personal problems independent of everyone else.
Alright, there's a part of me that wants to feel a little bit of importance and "specialness" in people's lives, but another part of me where I don't want to bother others about what's bothering me so I just hold it in, write it down, cry a little, distract myself by watching a little film, and then move on to the next day.
There are times where I feel like I don't think I'm well-understood. I've tried many times to talk to friends, romantic partners, family members, and counselors about who I don't really feel like I belong anywhere, but I haven't really solved my personal issue about it.
The closest I've gotten to an answer was that I'm not really effectively articulating my innermost thoughts, desires, and passions in a clear, concise way to the people around me. Frankly, if you have specific needs or wants, you have to express them clearly to a receptive audience. I get so caught up with the insecurity and hold myself back from saying what I truly feel. It really shakes me up and paralyzes me from doing anything else. I feel like I can't share because I'm just worried about what the outcome will be, so I simply do nothing...
Hope it's fine that I'm venting like this. This is not really my regular writing bits, but I've been feeling not-so-chipper as of late. I'm totally fine, just not overly happy. Just... stuck?
Leaving off with this- It is more than okay to isolate yourself for a while and take care of yourself. Make ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ your daily mantra.
Edit: 25-07-23 14:43- I just gotta get my shit together man...
~ eighth day of the week,
<3 K